Thursday, May 15, 2008

HOW TO HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE


Step 1. Find a snake in the backyard.



Step 2. Push through all your paralyzing fears to capture said snake and place in tightly lidded shoebox.



Step 3. Boast to your friends and husband about how you bravely caught a huge snake and how you are SO GLAD, because NOW that the snake is securely captured it can be identified, and NOW you can be sure it is TOTALLY GONE from your house and its vicinity, and NOW it will no longer be able to feed the huge nest of baby snakes that are most certainly living under your patio, and NOW any unfed baby snakes will surely die because you have CAPTURED the sole provider-snake and NOW your brave husband can destroy said provider-snake, and how THIS act will most assuredly send a message to any nearby snakes that your house bears the mark of death and STAY AWAY!!!

Step 4. Leave small, but secure, snake confinement facility unsupervised for several hours while you await brave husband's return.




Step 5. Coax your recently discovered to be a PANSY when it comes to snakes husband into opening the shoebox lid WITH A HANGER, no less, so you can at least take a photo to identify it before he takes the snake and lets it loose in somebody's else's yard. . . .FAR AWAY!!!!!

(When Billy asked me where he should dump it I seriously thought to myself, "Hmmmm. Who do I hate?" )



Step 6. THIS STEP IS ESSENTIAL IN ORDER TO HAVE LIFELONG NIGHTMARES.

Open the shoebox lid, yelp in uncontrolled fear (just in anticipation of seeing the monster snake again), and then take photo of . . . . . an EMPTY BOX.

Upon discovering that the box is TRULY EMPTY and that your pansy husband is not playing some kind of sick, cruel joke, spontaneously FREAK OUT like you have discovered the empty cell of an escaped serial killer, IMMEDIATELY envision the nest of baby snakes growing rapidly with full tummies, the escapee snake signaling to all his extended family that the coast is clear, and then, HORROR of ALL HORRORS, imagine pardoned death row snake slowly and silently with his reptilian head lifting the lid of the shoebox and slithering to freedom, across the patio, through the OPEN back patio door, and oh, please no, right INTO YOUR, i'm still freaking out just thinking about it, HOUSE!!!



I want to crawl out of my skin. I may never sleep again.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not. Where the hell is it?

5 comments:

goddard girls said...

hahaha..I am laughing soooo hard...Did you look under your bed? creepy...You are too funny!

JOHANNA said...

HEATHER NO WAY!
I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE YOU-

Sue said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha

I just spent five minutes reading your archives and giggling. We must be blog friends. I demand it.

Heather Gay said...

I'm not worthy!

Ohlsons said...

LOOK IN YOUR BOOTS!!! NOTHING IS SAFE!